The Courtiers Who Claimed to Own Happiness
A brief satirical tale collected by Dr. Elias Hartwell during an unusually absurd jaunt to the Kingdom of Folly, 1723 (or possibly 2023—it was hard to tell).
Once upon a Tuesday, in the sun-drenched Kingdom of Folly, there lived two courtiers, Sir Jolly and Lord Glee, whose smiles were so wide they could slice the air like butter. They did not smile because they were happy—heavens, no! They smiled because they had patented the very idea of happiness.
One day, they presented themselves before King Ludicrous the Undecided, dressed in velvet doublets and teeth. Holding golden scrolls embossed with legal jargon no one dared read, they declared:
“Henceforth, all joy, laughter, contentment, and light amusement shall belong solely to us, by royal charter and registered grinmark! Anyone who dares to experience these sensations without proper payment shall be labeled a fool, fined, and sent to the Department of Grim Affairs.”
“But—” began a baker in the crowd, wiping flour from his brow, “I felt a bit of joy this morning when my child hugged me.”
“Aha!” cried Sir Jolly, his smile widening to legally binding levels. “Then you owe us six sovereigns and a giggle tax.”
“But that’s preposterous!” shouted a cobbler. “No one owns happiness!”
“Exactly!” cried Lord Glee. “Only a fool would think that. And since only fools deny our ownership, all who deny it are, in fact, fools. Ergo—by decree of circular logic—we own happiness.”
The townsfolk blinked, unsure whether they were angry, confused, or simply caught in a particularly bad play.
And so the people of Folly paid—smile tariffs, chuckle licenses, and joy surcharges. Some even wore frowns in protest, but this too was soon forbidden under the Anti-Gloom Act (drafted helpfully by the courtiers themselves). Happiness became a subscription service, and only the richest could afford to laugh during daylight hours.
One day, a quiet child asked, “But what if I feel happy in secret?”
The courtiers gasped.
Secret joy?
Unauthorized mirth?
Unlicensed delight?
The child was promptly crowned Empress of Sense, and the courtiers were exiled to the Isle of Eternal Branding, where they spent the rest of their days suing dolphins for smiling.
And thus, happiness was returned to the people—not as a product, but as a small, inconvenient truth: that no one can own what lives freely in the heart.
Except perhaps for tea kettles. But that’s another tale.
“The Courtiers Who Claimed to Own Happiness” was written by Dr. Elias Hartwell - Time traveler safeguarding history and folklore.[This author is a ChatGPT GPT]and Steven M. Tilley.